I dated this guy Phil for about 2 months. Molly and Phil were friends in high school and I guess he helped her through some stuff. Phil has a white night complex: whenever anyone asked for his help, he couldn't refuse. So after three years of not talking, Molly calls Phil and Phil runs to her rescue. Molly needed a place to stay and Phil had her move into his room.
After what seemed like a lifetime of dealing with Phil's psychosis, pessimistic attitude, and love of Molly, I broke up with Phil..at a crowded bar, with all of our friends around.
I figured after the public humiliation that was our breakup Phil would leave me the fuck alone. And he did. Until the new year.
Copied exactly as was written is our correspondence. Some names and e-mail addresses have been changed to protect "Phil" and others that have been named.
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I hope that you still use this e-mail.
My cellphone broke a long time ago. And with it was all the numbers I had. Including yours.
I'm sure you're not expecting to me to write you. It's been a long time since I got in touch with you, but honestly- it's been a long time since I've got a hold of anyone.
Plus- I seriously felt really bad after you getting me that job, and then me blowing it off the way I did...that I kind of sort of have been avoiding you.
In April- "Vinny" and I started trying to meet all new types of people in order to make business contacts to try to get something started. We did in fact meet a lot of people- and a lot of offers were passed back and forth...but we found our self in the world of empty promises. Nothing seemed to work out. Cause people suck.
But then we met someone named "Michael", who we got to know really well. To make a long story short- he was working on a big deal and was interested in cutting us in. We decided to get in after him telling us we could make $500,000 dollars in the next couple of months.
Well- we were seriously suspicious of this deal between "Vinny" and I, but we grew more confident that it was legit on the basis that he showed us his place...gave us his personal phone number- and we stayed in touch. We're still in touch with him now.
However- nothing had seemed to be fruitful. He claims that he made a bunch of profit, but has been unable to get access to it since it is in a highly secured off shore account blah blah blah. We think he actually got scammed..but that's besides the point.
The reason why I'm telling you all of this is because of this- It was my intention that the second we actually struck gold...that I was going to hook you up with $10,000 dollars.
I was going to give you that money because of the following reasons (in no particular order)-
1.) Because I feel bad about shafting you like I did with the job, and I wanted to make it up to you 1000 fold. Literally.
2.) Because the deal above would've never even happened if I didn't get the support that you gave me when you did. And most of all the attention you gave me- without asking much in return.
3.) Because a little part of me (just a little) wanted to rub it in your face. I apologize, but I am semi-vindictive. I hope you can understand that I'm trying to be totally honest here.
4.) Because I know that you are a good person, and deserve some kind of credit for it.
5.) Because I really, really wanted to look cool- because I got off on impressing you for some reason. It's probably because no one really gave so much attention like you did...and I liked it.
Well, I don't have the money. And a new year is about to start. I don't think this deal is going to happen.
So I don't think my plan to be Mr. Cool is going to work. Smooth has never been a forte of mine, but it would've been so cool if it played out like I wanted it to.
So with that being said- I have to work outside the original plan.
Reality is, is that as much as you drove me nuts and pissed me the Hell off with your happy-funtime-butterflies-and-
It never really made me feel better. I never agreed with it. But it always made me think. It challenged me, and made me want to prove who I am. It made me want to prove you wrong. It made me re-evaulate and remind me of my own motives. It was like you throwing a puzzle out, and I had to solve it. It made me want to do something, period.
So I want to know what I have to do to become your friend again, and bury the hatchet.
I know I have been deliberately avoiding you, but it wasn't because I didn't really want to hang out. More because of the plan I had above. Plus you really like to get out and party- and do all that kind of stuff...and as hard I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me: I couldn't deal with all the people. Because most people too me are usually not very amusing and waste my time...especially when they're intoxicated (I know that's cruel for me to say, but honestly I get really annoyed with people very easily. I'm not a people person). That and because I have a minor social anxiety complex. But I did everything I could to hide it from you. If you try to remember though, you will see what I mean. You'll see all the pieces of the puzzle, and understand now why I did a lot of things that I did after telling you this.
And I know that alcohol makes me hella angry and depressed. Very Depressed.
So it seems on that basis I'm not a fan of doing a lot of things that you like to do.
But I would like to just hang out once and play video games. Or maybe just shoot the shit.
Just so long as it doesn't involve other people. Because honestly- save for "Jimmy": I didn't like any of your friends. No offense. Please don't hate me for saying that...but I want to throw everything on the table. To prove that I'm being honest. If it's any constellation- I don't like any of my friends either. But I can deal with them.
Anna, I know I'm a asshole. And I'm sorry. But I can't help it.
I don't want another year like this one, so I'm trying to avoid that from happening.
So tell me what I need to do to make up for all the things I did. Because I want to.
-Phil
PS- I've been up all night, and I am too tired to spell check this for errors. And my grammar may be off. But I don't really care at this point. I don't have to prove my skills of the English language to anyone.
But if anything is incomprehensible. Think of something nice or something you wanted to hear from me- and run with it.
This was Phil's way of apologizing to me. By insulting my way of life, my friends, and the way I spend my time, he thought he was biting the bullet and being the first to say sorry. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was because he had been up all night and that this e-mail was sent at six am this was why his words were coming off a bit asshole-y.
So I replied with this:
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Phil,
I am surprised to hear from you but it was not all that out of place. About three days ago I sent you an invite for my new years party, I thought you might have been responding to that text message. Now that I know that your phone is broken I know that you didn't get that text message, or any of my texts for that matter.
As you so elegantly put it, with my "happy-funtime-butterflies-and-rainbows-the-world-is-such-a-bright-place-party-on-but-be-Miss-Responsibility" personality I never really counted you out as a friend. I have been texting you and even the occasional attempt to call, and every time I talk to "Bobby" I do ask about you. After not hearing back from you I thought you might have been avoiding me but not for the same reasons that you said. And even though a relationship with you didn't work out for the best, I do still want to make sure that you are doing well.
I am sorry to hear that you have been getting fucked over with your business ventures, I know you and "Vinny" were working very hard to get the ball rolling. But, at the risk of using a horrible metaphor - you've got to pan a lot of dirt before you find any gold. You have the business mind and the drive to get something done I just don't think you have found the right thing for you to do yet. "Bobby" said that you were in school, I hope that is going well for you. Bobby seemed really excited for you, and honestly when he said that I was proud you were doing something with yourself.
Believe me when I say that I do not hate you for saying some blunt things to me in your e-mail, I appreciate your honesty. I've always appreciated that in you, you are not the person to shy away from saying that which is not easily said. and I don't hate you for wanting to rub something in my face a bit, hell, nothing is done with out some sort of personal gain. I would like you to know, however, that if you had offered it to me I would have declined, not to be a bitch but I would not feel comfortable taking that kind of money from anyone. Though, the thought is truly flattering.
Being that you don't really get along with my friends and don't like to party I would be shocked if I saw you tonight but just in case you feel like going a little wild this year my invite still stands - tonight between 8 and 9 at my new place (ADDRESS WITHHELD) I am having a party for the new year. If you decide to come feel free to crash at my place, I have a feeling the roads will be bad.
~Anna
PS. I didn't spell check this at all, I don't have to prove my skills of the English language to anyone either.
I thought I would do the honorable thing and try to keep things between us in a good light. I am friends with his brother and we do share a lot of common friends still. I didn't want him being as asshole to drag me down too. Plus, I knew it would kill him to think that I didn't harbor ill feelings toward him.
Phil Responded:
Anna,
My number is still good. My phone has been dead for some time now as I have been at my parents house.
My brother is excited for me? Of course he is. I bet he's getting off on it.
The school was his idea. He started before me.
Money has been kind of tight. And there doesn't seem to be any more dispatching jobs out there that I can pull until I can get things to take off.
Bobby and the rest of my family was slamming me. Telling me that I'm lazy and unmotivated. Telling me that I need to do something for myself. As much as the negativity pissed me off- I found out that so long as I'm attending a vocational program: I can remain on Un-Employment. And Bobby just happened to have found the longest most drawn out program there is in Northeast Ohio (I did research).
So I pretended like I actually listened to them, and then sucked my pride in- and enrolled in school. They think it's because they finally "Got through to me". If that makes them happy- then so be it. Ignorance is bliss. But frankly- I see it as more time for me to figure out how to get ahead before I get stuck in another trap. Cause that's all this program is going to offer- another dead end trap.
"You've got to pan your dirt before you find any gold." I'm assuming this metaphor implies that you need to work hard before making it big. That's totally wrong, and whoever made that metaphor was the same idiot who wasted his time with a pan sifting for gold- when they were sitting atop of mud that was practically pure silver nitrate. Because they were so narrow minded to see anything else.
You might as well say "You can't fail if you never try." Because as much as you might not believe those two statements are remotely the same- They are synnomous in definition. Because the day I accept that I can't make it big with just a good idea or even just a simple one- and only hard work and servitude will allow me the ability to get ahead: Then that's the day that I pretty much give up.
Don't get me wrong. I want to work hard. I want a garage so I can build my magnet motor. I want a office so that I can design my live action role-playing game. I want to break the currency market. I want to a raise a child that will annoy the piss out of me. I want a high maitenence wife that I will have to constantly make time for. I want to prove Einstein wrong on his theory of relativity, because I think I see a contradiction in his theory. I want to go to school to learn (not for a job).
I want to work hard. But what I want to work on generates $0 in revenue.
So I need to make a lot of money fast, and then focus on the things that I really want to do.
I don't want to party or over indulge. A car, a 3 bed 2 bath house w/ attached garage- that's all I need. I don't want to be lazy..but it would be nice to be able to take a day off for myself without having someone make me feel guilty or reprimand me for doing so. I want to be free. I don't want to be like my father who spent his entire life in miserable cause he fell into the trap.
And I hate to say it- This certificate I'm getting is not going to land me 2.1 million dollars in only a couple of years. It's really not going to get me any further to achieving what I really want.
Sure it might help me get on my feet. Help me get just a little more time to figure things out. But it is NOT THE ANSWER.
Don't be proud of me, because I'm not proud of myself. I haven't found the answer to my problem. I'm still failing. Don't encourage my failure like everyone else does- cause you of all people know how miserable I am. How I am tormented by my lack of creativity, and success. How I can't stand to look in the mirror because I am not the person who I want to be.
Some kids wanted to become a professional athlete. Some wanted to be musicians. Some wanted to just be popular.
I just want to be smart. I want to prove to myself that I am intelligent. And to me- if I can make 2.1 million dollars by the time I'm 30: I'm smart. Money doesn't define intelligence- but being able to solve a problem does. And Money is my problem.
When I was a second chair drummer- and not first. When I was a second string player- and not starting. When I always get sloppy seconds from a girl, and not first. When I never displayed or demonstrated any real potential- I always was able to cope with the defeat and find self-worth by telling myself that I was at least smart.
But I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel I have any real worth..any real potential.
So I need to do this. Failure is not a option. Panning out the gold is not a option.
So you're wrong.
But that's why I always liked you.
I would be nice to hang out with you. But i can't go to your party.
1.) My truck was stolen, recovered- completely trashed. It will take more money to repair than what it's worth.
2.) My license was suspended a while ago because I couldn't afford insurance. And it costs way too much to get insurance, pay for school, fix my car, and pay the re-instatement fee.
3.) The above two are great excuses for me to use to hide the fact that I really don't feel like dancing on strings like a puppet to entertain anyone. Cause that's all I ever feel like when I'm hanging out with a bunch of people. And it drains me.
4.) I've been hiding at my parents house for the past week- cause I'd rather get a ride from them to take me back and forth from school for the holidays than riding the stupid bus. So it would be hard for me to get back and forth from your place to theirs.
But if you have some time in the future to hang out, let me know. I can find a way to get over to you. Just let me know when you're free.
And don't sit here and pretend like everything is okay. Cause I hate that shit.
Reality is, is that I slighted you. You can sit here and say that it's not a big deal- and tell me don't worry about it. But it is. It's small shit like that lingers on that creates butterfly effects.
I need to make it up to you. I won't forget it.
-Phil
Yet again, I tried to take the high road...tried to let him know that I didn't care about things that happened in the past.
Phil,
"Reality is, is that I slighted you. You can sit here and say that it's not a big deal- and tell me don't worry about it. But it is. It's small shit like that lingers on that creates butterfly effects."
It isn't a big deal. I really don't care, you don't owe me for anything. If I were mad at every person that slighted me in some fashion I would have to spend the rest of my life pissed for one reason or another - I don't have the energy to do that. Nor do I want to. I've only got one life and I intend to live it happy. If I am a millionaire or if I am cleaning dog shit for a living, I intend to make the most of it all. Hopefully, one day you will learn to do the same. If you truly want to be my friend again you should know that I won't stand for people putting me down or making me feel that I am not good enough any more, or telling me what I think is useless. Disagree with me all you want but tread lightly with how you say what you mean. and remember - you asked me to let you back into my life, not the other way around. I never counted you out as a friend I never removed you from my life, you did that to yourself.
That being said -
Any time that you wanted to get together except for this weekend I am totally booked, next weekend it is my mothers birthday party on Saturday so I have Sunday free OR we can wait and get together on the 17th or 18th - I will leave it up to you.
~Anna
I guess Phil didn't Like my response to him.
Anna,
Well if don't want me to "put you down" (which this a jump from what I said. I presented a argument...I didn't call you a bitch or anything), or tell you that your viewpoints are useless- perhaps you should be careful where and when you insert your opinions. And really I didn't imply that your opinions are useless period. Because if you want to hear the positive- they're not useless. They're not at all. But they're not the answer for me. And I presented a argument on why they weren't. Doesn't mean someone else can't live a great life on your logic. It's just not the life I want. Cause it's not the life that I see myself in.
I am confused, though. My arguments and statements were completely reactionary towards yours. But what is the real difference? Is it because you were trying to be "nice" as you tried to tell me that I was wrong? Is it because you tried stating your opinion in a helpful manner? But it all spells out the same thing- you thought that I'm wrong. Throwing out compliment in front of it doesn't make your statement any better than or less hurtful than mine. I just didn't let it hurt me.
There was no insults in my statements- only pure cold logic. The one truth that exists in this world.
But since you put in that manner I will re-phase my last statements:
Anna I think you are very thoughtful and considerate of other people. And you never shy away from offering a helping hand cause you're a highly ethical person. But sometimes I think you insert you opinion where it's not really needed, and then you try to play the victim when you get burned by the fire you started.
Is that more thoughtful and considerate? It's exactly how you did it to me, right?
Yes I'm argumentative.
And yes time from time I am wrong. Just because you haven't proved to me I'm wrong now, doesn't mean that the day won't come when I'm eating my words- and every bad feeling you ever had is completely trumped by the self-satisfaction of knowing that you were vindicated. Like I'm sure you will probably get some self-satisfaction when I tell you that I'm still chasing Molly: And I'm still horribly miserable over it. The reality is, is that you were completely right with everything you said about her. I have a addiction. It is her. It is a addiction, and it only hurts me. But I'm still addicted nonetheless.
So there was a time you were right. I should've listened to you when I still had the chance to walk away. I technically have the chance to walk away now- but it is like 100 times harder now. But that's besides the point. I'm telling you this to prove that you're not useless. In fact- I wish I got to know you before July of 06' so you could've told me how bad of a idea the whole thing was before I got too deep. Where were you on that? Hahaha.
But trust me- that feeling of vindication is way better than letting your feelings get hurt. Emotions exist as a extension of human instinct- and are nothing more than a self preservation mechanism. Don't let them go beyond that.
If you let something like what I say emotionally "hurt" and get to you- then the emotional/instinctual translation is fight or flight because you feel the need to protect yourself. Then there is no evolutionary difference between someone telling you that you are useless- and a rabbit running from a fox. And there is obviously a large difference from someone being petty and fearing for your life.
I will take into consideration your feelings. And I promise you that I will tone down the Asshole volume to a reasonable level- let's say a "4" for the future.
But I offer the opinions above as friendly advice- nothing more. I'm not insulting you. I swear it's not my intention to. In fact- I tell you this because in a way I want to protect you from the nasty things in the world. Cause there are things way more nasty then me. And trust me when you get all defensive like that- you're invite people to take advantage of that. Cause then they know that they are getting to you.
If you feel there is a need for you to get defensive, just tell me politely, and I'll stop. You can even make up a secret word, like "Applesauce" hahahaha...okay I'm being a dick again. I'm sorry, but it's just so easy. You have to admit that's funny though. Seriously though- I'll try not to be a ass, but I don't really know when I'm being a ass....so tell me and I'll stop.
-Phil
At this point I decided just to ignore him, I had shit to do and no energy to waist on him. So, I ignored him. He called and I ignored that too. After a month went by, I figured that Phil had gotten the point...
I was wrong.
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You never called me back. You do realized that you're it right now, right?
You suck at tag, lol.
J/K
I noticed you've been really pushing your blog.
I see you put a small google adsense ad in there. I thought about doing the same thing, but I didn't know if it's worth the time or effort. I wanted to do more of a self-help guide rather then blog about my life- because my life is boring and redundant. Well, at least now it is. But it will change in due time.
I don't want to pry, but with the 48,000 views you have so far with the amount of time it's been up: Is that a good number?
I mean- what should be the monthly target to generate about say $500 a month with the setup you have?
I was just curious.
-Jacob
PS- Call me sometime so we can make arrangements to hook up. If you get my voicemail, then tell me when the next time you're available to talk.
Yeah. Right.
I knew that I wasn't going to attempt to hang out with him any time but if he had some questions about what I do and how I do it, I was going to tell him. I never turn down a person who wants to do what I do. I will always give out advice, so that's what I did.
Phil,
About the blog:
{edited out due to sensitive information}
About Us:
I never called back because I don't really see the point. As you can
tell I am forcing my life to become what I want, more spotlight, more
about me. I am out every night somewhere, I have friends over all the
time, I am a party person. You are not.
Sitting at home playing vidoe games is not what I do anymore. I don't
want to push you into a place that your find uncomfortable and I
cannot stay home if I want to bring more hits to my site. I've got to
make sure that I am doing what is best for me at this point in my
life, working at the hotel full time and putting each and every other
minute of my life into my blog is what I feel I need to do. The only
time my friends see me anymore is when I go out and you hate to do
that.
So you tell me the point of us hanging out?
~Anna
Up to this point, I feel that I have been nothing more than classy. I haven't attacked him, I haven't told him off, and I have kept my mouth shut with what I really think of this festering asshole.
I was under complete control and acting unlike myself. Then Phil replied.
Fine-
I see lots of points, but I'm not going to even waste my breath. The fact
yu would want me to argue the basis of a friendship is just insulting.
You're right- I have better, more meaningful things to do than just "party". I forgot apparently that's all you're capable of. I don't know what I was thinking, I must have mistaken you for someone who was a intellectually deep. Someone who I could stand enough to be a room alone with them- and actually enjoy it. Someone who I once saw as a great confidant and someone who I could share some of my most inner thoughts and reflect with.
Well, I guess if you ever want to do something else other then just getting drunk and playing "Barbie" for real: Let me know.
I'm sorry about the mix-up though. I guess you weren't the person I thought you were. My bad.
Next time you don't want to hang out with someone- just say "I don't want to hang out with you."
Don't insult me, or my intellegence. Or expect a reply like this.
I'm not good enough to hang out with you....hahaha...that's just such a great notion. You're the first girl to ever tell me that. That's hilarious. To have someone not like me so much that they have to throw insults and make it seem it like I'm not "good" enough for their time....
Man, that's just great. You made made my day, hahah! Sorry, but I'm done with partying.
I did my fair share of partying. Trust me you have no idea the times I've had in my day. And what I learned from it that it's too easy to be successful and be the center of the attention: Then to poor beer on my hand and spend my time making everyone else happy to be the center or their world.
The only person who ever needs to like you, is you.
-Phil
It was at this point that I was done. Done with him. Done with his bullshit. All around done with him trying to get me to admit he was right. My reply to him was the last of our contacts, so far....
No where in my e-mail did I say that I was not good enough to hang out
with you. I said that what I like to do and what you like to do are
entirely different.
but after the e-mail you just sent to me I am taking my kid gloves off.
Here it is Phil. No flowery words, no more trying to be nice.
I don't want to hang out with you because you are a loser. You spent
your entire life plotting and scheming to get your way and you aren't
very good at it. I don't believe one word you say anymore. You lie all
of the time to try to make yourself seem bad ass when in reality you
are just some scared little kid who has no drive or direction in life.
Time after time you have done nothing but disappoint me, your friends,
and your family. You dream of making millions but you can't even
afford to buy a milkshake. You have no work ethic
and make fun of people who do. You are rude to the people that
actually want to help you and kiss the feet of the people that just
want to use you.
Your priorities are skewed so badly that you cannot be a productive
member of society and the fact that you think you don't have to be a
member of society is alarming at its best. You have a seance of
entitlement that is grossly undeserved. The world doesn't owe you, it
never has and it never will.
You are impossible to talk to because you have this mental block that
only your way of thinking is correct and somehow you will train the
masses to be more like you. If that day ever comes you wont find me
around anywhere. I couldn't deal with your bullshit when we were
dating and I can't deal with it now.
You need to go to a doctor and get on some medication or something
because, honestly and truly Phil, I have an absurd amount of patience
and you have managed to tip me over the edge because of your bullshit.
Take your stupid high school drama and fuck off because I, like so
many other people in your life, am done with you. If you can't manage
to just behave in a civil manor to those around you, you can't manage
to get some form of income to pay your bills and you can't manage to
grow up then I can't manage to be your friend.
The novelty has worn off. Like an old toy your paint is chipping, your
shine has faded and you are left alone in the back of the toy bin.
If Phil replies, I will edit this post accordingly.
Stumble It!